Dilemma!!!!

Thoughts that are torturing me day and night. I was nurtured poorly, complaints for my parents for taking decision for me and not letting me do anything instead, not to stand up alone on my own feet.. urggghhh its all blocking me since always! I never wanted to take it out, to spread the complaints but then how am I supposed to speak out!

I relaized my biggest mistake here. Recalling a situation which I discovered in a retrospective conversation between my dad and me. I was asking him about how he spent his time after his retirement as I always saw him complaining and torturing his own life, and why was he doign it all. I wanted to help him, but as and when I opened my mouth to suggest some things something or to remind him of what he was always good at, to do things that would help him explore himself more. To all he replied, he was just a useless fellow and that he wanted to leave the place. I was heart throbbed. Why I asked, tried consulting him. He was not ready and instead repremanded me of being the reason for his situations. Not just me but mom to be the major reason and then also exclaiming that "your mother would be the only one beside me when I would need someone, none of you girls"

I was sick. I have never counteracted to his orders.

I remember, how he always used to pinpoint us out for every thing we said or do with remarks very hurting which made me cry and cry hell out. It made him hurt a bit, but never saw any change. What changes would I expect when everytime I was pity remarked. Not his bad speech or poor tone, but his conduct towards me and my sister has always hurted me the most.

My mother on the other hand supported us on every decisions, but decisions that were made by herself. We were never let to think about the circumstances or goods and bads but rather dropped by a point and no kore thinking any further.

Today, and since always whenever I give time to this part of my life, I am under dilemma, if I woukd have been given a chance by my parents, to think and make my own decisions about good or bad, and to speak myself out, I would have been a much different person.

However hard I try to built myself up today, one visit to home, to mom and dad brings the same me back! Lost, useless, worthless!

Can I ever grow far, the reason why I want to stay away from my parents always. I want to speak, to express myself, to let go of things I dont want to catch hold of, everythig is stuck because of this worst परवरिश।

Blessed that would be, who has been given such an opportunity. Then there would be a different set of challenges, atleast not these kinder garden ones. 😒