During Transition
A friend one day was very proud of me, of my lifestyle and of my day to day activities and on the other day found me equally vulnerable and hopeless. Guess what, this time, the numbness attacked again! Woman! Confident! Lost! Alone! In search of a friend I was...
Are you living a SPLIT PERSONALITY? asked he.
I didn't want to welcome this question, however, could not really stop his words entering my ears and affecting me real bad. Ever since, this question was sitting in the living space of my mind, knocking me every now and then, poking me. Hello, miss Splitz! Ouch, that hurts. Look at me talking to myself. Rude.
Beside this, I never stop blaming my parents for the type of 'PARVARISH' they have given. Meanwhile, I heard, "Parents should really not interfere in the lives of their children, to let them LIVE and experience their lives, and rather to focus more on PARENTING but to living two lives." Roger that. Hurt I was. It is true that people also experience parenting for the first time, but hello, I am their second! Shouldn't they have had learnt to parent from their first child? Does this mean, experimenting differently with different kids? God! How does this work? Well, I just learnt that parents should focus on parenting. Period.
After I have shifted to Mumbai, like 2.5 years back, or productively talking only 1 year back had I learnt to parent myself. I had learnt to live, I had learnt the living, I had learnt to make friends. But somehow, my past, that was lonely was still shadowing my present. Later than before, I had also realized that I knew many people but people never knew me, that I had many friends, but many friends didn't have me. And this realization killed my heart.
Was I really living?
I was in the transition. Learning. Growing. Living and yet not. Learning. Growing. Living and yet in transition. I at least had received a remark, "You are like still in 12th." Congratulations! Because that is a development of my girl.
I once opened up to my mom, she didn't understand me and rather thought this was the right time for me to get married. "Mom, I am not over myself yet, I have not yet developed the feelings I should have for a person, and therefore mom, I am not ready for the marriage. And please, marriage is not the solution for all problems for a girl of 26."
Because of these lonely years, I really have forgotten to open up to people. Hence, I started running away from situations that made me socialise. I tried greeting my colleagues today, and I saw the surprise on their faces, smiling without any meaning to respond. Clearly, I had lost it. So much to work out to smile. To welcome a smile, to welcome a class of people in my life. But I just wonder, is this of any good use? Because that one day will come again where I will again feel like running away from the social life. From rejections I make, to rejections I get.
2 months more I have before the deadline I made to grow up myself. Though there is no deadline for development in real life. Hey, we are not talking about real life here!
Thinking and cribbing all this while, while I am hopeless, numb and alone, I forget what I am capable of, what I have for myself in mind, and what I want to look like. It makes me remind of the split personality again, but hey my friend, this is not a split personality I am living, but this you may call a personality under construction, a personality during a transition.
Are you living a SPLIT PERSONALITY? asked he.
I didn't want to welcome this question, however, could not really stop his words entering my ears and affecting me real bad. Ever since, this question was sitting in the living space of my mind, knocking me every now and then, poking me. Hello, miss Splitz! Ouch, that hurts. Look at me talking to myself. Rude.
Beside this, I never stop blaming my parents for the type of 'PARVARISH' they have given. Meanwhile, I heard, "Parents should really not interfere in the lives of their children, to let them LIVE and experience their lives, and rather to focus more on PARENTING but to living two lives." Roger that. Hurt I was. It is true that people also experience parenting for the first time, but hello, I am their second! Shouldn't they have had learnt to parent from their first child? Does this mean, experimenting differently with different kids? God! How does this work? Well, I just learnt that parents should focus on parenting. Period.
After I have shifted to Mumbai, like 2.5 years back, or productively talking only 1 year back had I learnt to parent myself. I had learnt to live, I had learnt the living, I had learnt to make friends. But somehow, my past, that was lonely was still shadowing my present. Later than before, I had also realized that I knew many people but people never knew me, that I had many friends, but many friends didn't have me. And this realization killed my heart.
Was I really living?
I was in the transition. Learning. Growing. Living and yet not. Learning. Growing. Living and yet in transition. I at least had received a remark, "You are like still in 12th." Congratulations! Because that is a development of my girl.
I once opened up to my mom, she didn't understand me and rather thought this was the right time for me to get married. "Mom, I am not over myself yet, I have not yet developed the feelings I should have for a person, and therefore mom, I am not ready for the marriage. And please, marriage is not the solution for all problems for a girl of 26."
Because of these lonely years, I really have forgotten to open up to people. Hence, I started running away from situations that made me socialise. I tried greeting my colleagues today, and I saw the surprise on their faces, smiling without any meaning to respond. Clearly, I had lost it. So much to work out to smile. To welcome a smile, to welcome a class of people in my life. But I just wonder, is this of any good use? Because that one day will come again where I will again feel like running away from the social life. From rejections I make, to rejections I get.
2 months more I have before the deadline I made to grow up myself. Though there is no deadline for development in real life. Hey, we are not talking about real life here!
Thinking and cribbing all this while, while I am hopeless, numb and alone, I forget what I am capable of, what I have for myself in mind, and what I want to look like. It makes me remind of the split personality again, but hey my friend, this is not a split personality I am living, but this you may call a personality under construction, a personality during a transition.
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