Hovering over the Past, a question of lifetime!

A present is what I feel and a present is what I need! And then there is this constant reminder from the past that keeps alarming the present existence. Everybody changes, but how long this change is acceptable to the people in your immediate environment? Whether you love yourself more today outweighs the fact that you were been taken care of by your peers and that they love the way you’ve always been so far. This is a story about the relationships that you want to nurture with all your heart, the relationship with yourself that you want to see grow and develop towards the needs of the world, and the relationship with your peers you never want to bring an end to. The changes that mark your internal existence and your own image, your own worth. Do you wish to see yourself grow or do you want to think about the relations you’ve disturbed?

The walk this far was not possible if your dad wouldn’t have held your hand while you were taking your first steps if your mom wouldn’t have heard you cry out your first words and corrected you persistently, and your elder sibling who wouldn’t have guided you with your every right and wrong. Will they accept the fact that you are ready to take your own little steps now? Under the umbrella of their love all the way, will they now understand that you want to build your own steps now, that you want to take your own decisions and that you are ready now? Will they be able to understand that you, who had always looked up to them for every second of your life, now want to stand up your own feet? This is a scary thought.

I had always blamed my parents for all the pampering they have brought me up with, all the protected environment I grew up in, all the nurturing I had received as a part of my growing age because I was never able to take up my own decisions. I never realized this fact unless I moved out of my house to earn my own meal, when I faced up problems upfront and when I suffered for the first time because when I saw up, my parents were not there to help me but told me to come back home because, further under their umbrella protection, I shall not face any such problems. I hated them for the first time in my life and hated them forever since. It became so hard for me to gallop their problems because now I was able to face my own issues. Was I convicted? Yes, I felt. Convicted by myself!

I wished to grow and therefore following my decision, my life experienced some changes in my perspective, the way I saw things, differently, and in a new way. I was excited about my life, I was just born, just stepped out, just experiencing new things. I wished to see everything. I was more responsible, more mature, more empathetic, more embracing because I thought, when I will return home, my parents, my sister will be proud of me. I was growing with more charm, with more enthusiasm and more of life than what I had experienced ever!

This new me was brimming with joy and shining out of new discoveries I had found with the world and within me. I was more than excited to share the same with everyone, everyone around me and at home.

I was in love with the new me, but they were not. I was wrong! My parents thought my lifestyle now didn’t match the one of theirs, they now thought my style was way odd and unacceptable to theirs. They thought I argued with them for pity matters while I was just involved with sharing my views. They thought that I have gone out of my way to explore and they now feared if I would return back. After a long, long time, I was alone again. I had tasted loneliness earlier and only popped out of that world to this life.

I love myself, what I am today. I am same but with a new role and responsibility to share of myself, and everyone thought I have changed! Will I be ever able to satisfy them and bring back their confidence in me was a big question. I was hurt and now was more fearful of placing my thoughts up front. Feared to the limit that I was scared of losing my loved ones. I stopped and thought what was more important for me, my life, I loved because of the growth I see, the reason I flourish, or the people with whom I grew up because I owe them my life?

This is a decision, I can never come up to. I don’t want to introduce any difficulties for any loved ones, and now fear to live a lifestyle, more a question.