Irrelevance!!
Ever since I was young and had to live away from Dad, I was sad and happy at the same time. Happy because I had to face his anger a little less and sad because in spite of all I missed my best friend. Was he really my best friend.. I'll come to that part later on.
My dad. He was an angry man. I remember in my childhood when I wanted to play hide and seek with him, he used to tell, "Never scare me, I am a heart patient. I'll die off the trauma some day." I slowly realized he was 10 years older to my mother and was therefore old. Though he still looked young and handsome to me, I tried not to trouble him with any of my misciefs. My older sister on the other hand grew up getting hit and scolded by him - for obvious reasons of being weak in mathematics. Papa, that's what we called him, being a banker was a genious in my eyes! I worked hard on my fingers to remember all the numbers and impress him with all my home work up to date!
It was 2 years and the summer of 2000, when papa got trasnfered to a bigger city. This one called Mirzapur. I was not at all excited to move from my birth town, but hey, both the girls were too young to be have given the independent living, and therefore it was decided that we all shall move in with him. 2 month passed and papa was promoted again, this time he got the opportunity to take a trasnfer to Jaipur, a place where his older brother was already living in.
Years passed in Jaipur, I wouldn't see my dad's face, and if at all, always in anger and always shouting! Pushing off the anger on my mother or sometimes on Dadi. Life was really tough. I understoon by then how sad my life was going to be. I was distracted from my studies, always fearful of him. He loved me though but was always in anger. And I've since always feared him.
Time passed, this time we didn't got an opportunity to live with our father for nearly 11 years. He used to visit us on festivals, while we stayed in Jaipur, completing our higher education and graduation thereafter.
When my time came, I wanted to move out but was always demotivated even after my 2 years of grad course pending 3rd to come back to Jaipur.
I never understood, why he never wanted me to go out and have a better education. Maybe because he has seen a life always away from his family. But does that mean anyone can overpower your life?
I dare to say that.
Years passed and I have been living in Mumbai for the past 4.5 years, struggling each day to convince my family how I wnat to live alone through out my life.
I don't want to blame anyone but I've always seen my parents fighting, my dad scolding, outbursting in anger for which I really have a scared heart. I still struggle to maintain a conversation with people who shout to express themselves. IS it because of my dad or that I've developed a fear within me that I'm too scared to push out. I really don't understand.
I've been failing in and out in ym life. I think this might be some of my karma that it has again reflected back in the form of my senior in office who can just shout at me even for irrelevant failures.
I have slowly developed a behaviour. A behaviour where I fail to interract, I fail to communicate and I fail to initiate a conversation. It doesn't matters though, because today.. I'm just left back as irrelevant!!
My dad. He was an angry man. I remember in my childhood when I wanted to play hide and seek with him, he used to tell, "Never scare me, I am a heart patient. I'll die off the trauma some day." I slowly realized he was 10 years older to my mother and was therefore old. Though he still looked young and handsome to me, I tried not to trouble him with any of my misciefs. My older sister on the other hand grew up getting hit and scolded by him - for obvious reasons of being weak in mathematics. Papa, that's what we called him, being a banker was a genious in my eyes! I worked hard on my fingers to remember all the numbers and impress him with all my home work up to date!
It was 2 years and the summer of 2000, when papa got trasnfered to a bigger city. This one called Mirzapur. I was not at all excited to move from my birth town, but hey, both the girls were too young to be have given the independent living, and therefore it was decided that we all shall move in with him. 2 month passed and papa was promoted again, this time he got the opportunity to take a trasnfer to Jaipur, a place where his older brother was already living in.
Years passed in Jaipur, I wouldn't see my dad's face, and if at all, always in anger and always shouting! Pushing off the anger on my mother or sometimes on Dadi. Life was really tough. I understoon by then how sad my life was going to be. I was distracted from my studies, always fearful of him. He loved me though but was always in anger. And I've since always feared him.
Time passed, this time we didn't got an opportunity to live with our father for nearly 11 years. He used to visit us on festivals, while we stayed in Jaipur, completing our higher education and graduation thereafter.
When my time came, I wanted to move out but was always demotivated even after my 2 years of grad course pending 3rd to come back to Jaipur.
I never understood, why he never wanted me to go out and have a better education. Maybe because he has seen a life always away from his family. But does that mean anyone can overpower your life?
I dare to say that.
Years passed and I have been living in Mumbai for the past 4.5 years, struggling each day to convince my family how I wnat to live alone through out my life.
I don't want to blame anyone but I've always seen my parents fighting, my dad scolding, outbursting in anger for which I really have a scared heart. I still struggle to maintain a conversation with people who shout to express themselves. IS it because of my dad or that I've developed a fear within me that I'm too scared to push out. I really don't understand.
I've been failing in and out in ym life. I think this might be some of my karma that it has again reflected back in the form of my senior in office who can just shout at me even for irrelevant failures.
I have slowly developed a behaviour. A behaviour where I fail to interract, I fail to communicate and I fail to initiate a conversation. It doesn't matters though, because today.. I'm just left back as irrelevant!!
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